The Cult

The lack of updates lately is due to the fact that I’m mildly unhappy and homesick. I can’t write when I’m down, nothing is funny. I saw a foreman a few days ago with a completely round head. I’m not kidding, it was like a basketball. And I hardly even smiled. We were in Gouangzho, China, a real shithole if you ask me. The local sludge company, apart from their regular filth business, also offer “massages” by young women who I’m almost certain have no training whatsoever in anatomy. Well maybe some areas of the body. Anyway, I got stuck in the elevator with the sludge company rep when she came onboard with her “assistant”, a girl in her early twenties I would think, cute as a button. They wanted to know if I was married and if I had a shore pass. For the record, I said no and no.
On the ramp I met a very enthusiastic Chinese tallyman by the name of Lu Zao Tian. He wanted me to write my signature in his book where he collected signatures from people all over the world. He also gave me his card as seen in the picture, of which he was very proud. He explained everything about it. The Chinese signs on the left side, “Yin Fan Feng Shun”, is kinda “Bon voyage”. On the right it says “Jian Kang Chang Shou” which means “yooh maddah enh faddah long livvh” and at the top there’s “Ping an Kuai le” which is translated below to English. I don’t know if you can tell but it actually says “SAFETY ANG HAPPY” and the “G” has been corrected with a pen. It also features seagulls, he bubbled happily.

The chief officer thinks I have cult management qualities. Well, he said I looked like a cult leader. It’s a start, I guess. This pleases me greatly since me and my friend Linus started planning, I mean scheming, for a cult a long time ago. The idea was actually a ship on international waters where we could get away with various stuff. Nothing fancy, just your average sect, indoctrination and general mind-fuckery. Everyone was to wear white linen clothing and there would be a spaceship coming. Of course, there would be some sexy content as well, why else would you start a cult if not for the mad orgies, right? At one point we were considering a female only membership policy but it was retracted. We figured the women might get restless fighting over our attention and start fighting each other. That might be pleasing to watch for a while, but we would eventually be forced to manhandle them somehow and I just can’t hit a woman. I respect them too damn much. Also, I think Linus still have some issues to work out with his wife.