The pseudonym

I just now finished reading “The Murmansk Jester” by Jens Henrik Jensen. Man, I hope he writes under a pseudonym because this was the worst reading experience I’ve had since the student loan repayment plan came in the mail. You hear me, Danish guy? Your book sucks, ok! I’d use it to wipe my ass but I’d feel too damn dirty after. It has all the ingredients of a good time waster. The Agency is in there, a tough but soft, cool but warm, rough but sweet, righteous old worn out CIA operative who “just wants to go fishing” etc-yada-yada-yada-yeah-whatever. Then there’s murders and torture and stuff, some psycho killers, very promising indeed! You’d think there’s something there. You’d think he’d whip up some bad-ass Léon-Usual-Suspects-Da-Vinci-Codyness. But no! Oh no, instead it’s cliché-bad-80s-action-movie-time. It starts off by them putting the best friend in a coma. Then a crazy old woman, a fortune teller, tells him to be careful after reading his palm. No really, she does. Then we have the ol’ Russian ex- spetsnaz being betrayed by GRU and that whole thing. The bad guy also has an evil shrill laugh, aaaand, get this! He wears a high hat and walks around with a raven on his shoulder!

Who do you think you are, Jensen? You think you can get away with that totally un-ironically? Well, maybe the whole book is, like, super-ironic. Like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. (Stolen from Ed Byrne http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT1TVSTkAXg, is he wonderful or what?)

Folks, it’s getting to be about that time when I get off this ship and go back home. I’ve had some good times here. Some really good times. I mean, I’ve had some what-the-hell-is-going-on-moments as well. But it’s been my first turn as an officer and I’ve come out of it in pretty good shape, I think. That, in my mind, is a major stepping stone since I’ve been wanting to do this for 15 years!

Like always when I go home after an intense time like this I tend to lose focus a bit. Here, I’ll paint you a picture: There’s the sofa. That’s me on it. That’s me saying “Yeah I know my balls are showing. You got a problem?” But not only that, the ol’ writers block kicks in. I think it’s because I don’t need it like I do right now. I promise will at least try to start working on my next novel “Savage Roughness”, the story is all there in my head. It’s about this guy, Colt Favreaux, a lone-gunman-type private detective worn out by booze and dames. I want it to start off with something like “I was in my office, feet up on the table, when she walked through the door…”

I’ll probably write under a different name too.

Last thing. There’s this new expression out there I want you to start using as soon as possible. When something is good you don’t say “This is good!”. You say…..”Chocolate saouse!” (See? It’s “sauce” put not pronounced “sauce”! Pronounced like “house” or “mouse”). Like Snoop’d say it. For advanced usage, squeeze in an almost silent “eh” before each word. Eh’chocolate eh’saouse….But I don’t think you’re ready for that yet.