The smuggler

Outdoor World - Bass Pro Shops is the best store in the world. I want to buy everything. I can’t believe I don’t own a crossbow! What kind of a man doesn’t own a crossbow? A weak one, surely. The place is huge, we’re talking Wembley-big, with products related to being out in nature…the American way. For example, appropriate gear for, let’s say, taking a nice springtime walk in the woods, is the following items:

1. A huge truck to get to the woods.
2. A huge trailer behind the truck carrying a huge boat in case you see someone you’d want to think you’re going fishing on a huge boat, not taking a lame-ass walk like a bitch.
3. Solar powered Espresso maker.
4. At least seven knives of different sizes.
5. Ice climbing gear including oxygen tanks.
6. Handguns for mosquito protection.
7. A crossbow for hunting deer like Robert De Niro.

It makes sense to have a big truck now, doesn’t it? You’re gonna need the space. If you’re ever in Baltimore take time to visit this store/amusement park. I bought some barbecue sauce, apple cinnamon flavor, and a Dr Pepper marinade. I’m a winner.

Right now I have a pleasant, delicate problem. I have 8 bottles of delicious alcohol to transport home to Sweden from Liverpool. I wanna smuggle it. I really want to smuggle, I’ve never done that. Never been a smuggler. Smuggling to me is the most sophisticated of crimes, I just wish I had a sophisticated slender femme fatale travelling with me to run interference. We’d pull a Silverado Shuffle with a Danger Mouse Twist followed by a Berkley Old Fashioned. They’d never know what hit ‘em. But as it looks now I’ll put the bottles in a suitcase and try not to sweat. I’ll probably end up in a Mars Penal Colony, sold to a huge Betelgeusian X'org Lord for two packs of smokes. That happens all the time and nobody ever talks about it.